Though versions of this story have been told for thousands of years, it originated in Ancient Greece. You wouldn’t know that from this latest cinematic translation, which is an anachronistic mish-mash in every way possible.
Liam Neeson, as Zeus, seems to have kept his armor from Excalibur. He’s squabbling with his brother, Hades, played by Ralph Fiennes, who mistook the part for Rasputin, with his long dark beard, burning eyes and a whispery, seductive voice. He coaxes and wheedles and when he doesn‘t get his way, he explodes into a giant, dusky butterfly before calling down his minions, such as screeching people with bat wings who flew in from pestering Hugh Jackman in Van Helsing.
The plot isn’t completely clear, but perhaps the movie makers assumed we’d be distracted by all the special effects and wouldn‘t notice? It’s only clear that Perseus, played by hunk-of-the-month, Sam Worthington, must go on a journey to find certain items and return to the town before the next eclipse and destruction. We’re not sure how long it is before the eclipse, but it can’t be soon, as our hero doesn’t seem worried about it. Though Perseus has spent his entire life as a fisherman, the moment he dons that Roman armor, he can instantly wield a sword like an expert.This is emphasized by the many battle scenes in slo-mo.
On his journey, Perseus meets many strange creatures, such as the dijinns, who look like they got lost on their way to the bar in the original Star Wars. And witches who share one eyeball. But the main thing Perseus encounters are scorpions, giant scorpions the size of buildings. Evidently, the CGI crew became enamored of scorpions, since they not only take center stage for the last hour of the film, but lend their traits to other monsters. Medusa not only has the traditional snake hair-do, but a snake body from the waist down. She’s supposed to be a rattlesnake, but instead of the proper button rattle, she has a scorpion tail. This isn’t the only zoological inaccuracy, another is the eagle that Zeus has next to his throne, which is obviously a side job for the bird on the Colbert Report. It’s a bald eagle, a species that doesn’t live anywhere near the Mediterranean.
Medusa lives on the edge of a firery pit, the other redundancy in the film. Everywhere the hero and his team went, they found a hole in the earth filled with fire. They didn’t even vary the fire pits, such as throwing in a volcano or geyser. Nope, they all looked like sink holes. I half expected to see construction crews with hard hats next to them.
At the end of the film, when a mob, led by Ancient Greece’s version of Russell Brand, decides the virginal maiden is going to be sacrificed to save the town, Perseus arrives in time to do battle with the Kraken. Why this Scandinavian water monster is the Mediterranean, I have no idea, but it’s not the least bit scary. It’s a big worm with teeth, splashing around, like a ferocious leech. Even the maiden doesn’t look frightened, just annoyed that her hair is getting mussed. It’s all wrapped up to allow for a sequel, though I don’t know how anyone can stand another two hours of dull colored landscapes and glum heroes.
The only thing I did like about the movie was the Pegasus, which came in both black and white models. Perseus rides around on them briefly, but unfortunately they weren’t onscreen as much as the giant scorpions.
For a much better retelling, try Percy Jackson and the Olympians, which, although set mostly in modern day has much more suspense and adventure, plus an actual plot. It also doesn’t take itself so seriously, sprinkling in plenty of humor along with big stars, such as Pierce Brosnan as a centaur and Uma Thurman as a fiesty Medusa. It‘s a much more entertaining use of your time.
Warner Bros. 2010 106 mins.
Jackie has been a fan of Ralph Fiennes for a long time, but is sometimes dismayed with his recent roles.
Oh gosh, I know people who go on and on about Clash of the Titans – but the old version, I think. Have you seen that? I’ve seen neither. Maybe I should do a Battle of the Apes post at some point.
The original version was completely bonkers – all our finest luvvies wrapped in sheets and trying to keep straight faces. Why on earth would anyone think it was a good idea to remake it – unless they believed that throwing insanely expensive CGI at it would improve matters. I haven’t seen this version, but I suspect the original is more fun (in a naff sort of way) and far less annoying.
I have seen the original(wasn’t Lawrence Olivier in it?) & thought it was hokey, but this new one goes too far in the other direction.
I SO enjoyed this review–thank you! Great points all throughout.
I do quite like Liam Neeson in God-roles, but he was better as the voice of Aslan. And it really bothered me that Perseus didn’t bother to grow his hair out a bit before coming over from Avatar. He still looked like a marine, which felt odd in ancient Greece. The whole movie was definitely way too much grim faced men wandering around in bleak landscapes.
But the part that really got me, the most rant-inducing bad decision in plot-writing…the hold of Charon’s boat, while crossing the River Styx into the underworld–got to be the worst possible time and place for a romantic interlude. Seriously.
You’re so right about Liam Neeson’s armour looking like his Excalibur costume, but for me, Ralph Fiennes appeared to have come as Leonard Rossiter. Wasn’t this also one of Peter Postlethwaite’s last big film outings? I thought it was an hilarious film – but didn’t make me laugh half as much as your review!
Hands off the Harryhausen version…it’s brilliant! That said, you’re so right about this new film. Dull, dull, dull, dull, dull, dull and badly acted to boot. Hades resembles Mick Fleetwood with a sore throat, whilst Sam Worthington as Perseus looks as though someone forgot to computer animate him. Given that the story seems to have managed pretty well as it has over several thousand years, it’s fascinating to see that Hollywood has decided that the Perseus/Andromeda love story is old hat, and splits them up at the end of the film.