Back in the early days of Vulpes Libris we sometimes ran short newsy pieces, inspired by things we had seen in the blogosphere or in the press. I had just been thinking about this when lo and behold an article by Stephanie Rosenbloom in The New York Times caught my eye and I decided I had to write about it here. Of course my decision had nothing to do with the fact that the Vulpes Libris schedule was looking threadbare and we had a big gap in the middle of this week. Honest.
So what was the amazing article in question? Well, it concerned “niche dating websites”. As a person in a committed long-term relationship, I should admit that I have never experienced internet dating (and have no plans to) but I am nonetheless fascinated by the scope of the dating websites on offer. First up in the article was a site for bookworms called www.alikewise.com. The article points out that:
You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can tell a lot about a person by looking at his or her books. At least, that’s the idea behind this dating site, which went live last summer. On this site, members with screen names befitting bibliophiles — BookBender, InkSmudge, LostinTheStacks — peruse lists and images of one another’s favorite page-turners.
Oh, how I snorted. As IF a few literary matches could really lead to a love match. People (I assumed, in a sweeping generalisation) didn’t usually limit themselves to a single genre of fiction or non-fiction; reading tastes were far more complicated than that, so even if there were some similarities in reading preferences, there were bound to be big differences too. Visitors to this blog often demonstrate an interest in all kinds of books and stories, and ditto for the Book Foxes themselves. My own reading tastes span disturbing but brilliant literary fiction like Senseless by Stona Fitch, to the novels of Jane Austen, The Lord of the Rings and a whole stack of SAS thrillers. And even if there were many of the same books on my own virtual bookshelves and those of a prospective date, would it really mean anything, well, meaningful?
As I read on, I learned of specific dating sites for virgins, vegans, moustache fetishists, Republicans, Seniors, so-called ‘beautiful people’, Apple product enthusiasts and those who enjoy using Marijuana. And that was when I started to change my mind. Soon I was asking myself what was so bad about narrowing the field a bit. It could be like those internet shopping sites where you can refine your results by ticking boxes on the left hand side. So instead of Women’s, Trousers, Leggings, Black, you could tick Vegan, Virgin, Mac user, Dopehead. Or in the case of a site for bibliophiles, maybe Fiction, Sci-Fi, Erotic, Star Trek. Whatever took your fancy.
It was about this time that I changed my mind back again, remembering the old adage that “opposites attract”. Some of the fun of dating is getting to know someone who is different from you in interesting ways. I’ve never been sky-diving, for instance, but I think I’d enjoy learning about it. Ditto for stamp collecting and back-packing around the world. It occurred to me that my husband is very different from me in a lot of respects. I won’t list all the ways for reasons of space and marital harmony. I will say though that he rarely reads books, so (assuming I hadn’t met him already), the odds of me running into him on a bibliophiles website would be practically nil. Narrowing the field for me would have meant excluding someone who has made my life infinitely happier.
It’s fair to say then that my thoughts on the issue of niche dating – and in particular niche dating for bibliophiles – are somewhat conflicted. Books are important. Books are a big part of my life. But would I want to only connect with people who shared the same taste in literature as me? No.
And yet, and yet . . . even though my husband does not ordinarily read books, I am relieved that he has read and enjoyed both The Lord of the Rings and Red Dwarf: Infinity Welcomes Careful Drivers, two works of fiction that I hold dear, partly as they helped to shape my adolescence. Which leads me to ask myself if I could share my life with someone who absolutely loathed those books. And you know what, I don’t think I could. It is odd to admit, but I think a partner’s serious dislike of my favourite books is something that would seriously unsettle me.
All of which leaves me sitting on the fence and scratching my head. So I’ll open out the question to anyone reading this. Niche dating for bibliophiles: attractive idea? Or would you never even consider it?
Photo is of my local Fishing Cat who can be found by narrowing search results using the following criteria: Felines, Spotted, Sushi fan, Easy Rider.
I know someone who doesn’t like the work of Henry James. I think it is/was the biggest and most insurmountable obstacle between us getting on. However, I think the most pleasant relationship or friendship I had was with someone who had relatively little time for books. Maybe being a book addict means that it is healthy to hang out/ go out with people who tolerate it but view it as a harmless eccentricity. That way you avoid a lot of heartache and conflict. Heres to people who don’t like reading! Jon.
I wonder how far these niche interests stretch? Knowing the internet – and indeed our crazy world at large – there *must* be a site for fans of erotic Star Trek!?*
*disclaimer: i’m not looking, so hold off on the fanmail.
Great article, Lisa! And absolutely, Gwilym, there is! Please don’t ask me how I know that …
And, like you, Lisa – I just don’t know whether book-lover niche dating is a great idea or a strange one. Possibly both …
Anne
xxx
Gwilym, yes indeed! I have been told by a number of people that erotic Star Trek sites are very popular. Maybe it’s the uniforms?
And thanks, Anne. I keep wondering if I was single and looking for a partner whether I would try niche dating for book-lovers and I just cannot make up my mind. Now, vegetarian dating maybe. Always eager to discover new veggie restaurants and recipes!
I would say it’s attractive just for the potential to talk more about books. It may or may not lead to a romantic match, but I’m always interested in talking to people about books, so in that way at least it would be more productive than potentially dating someone I have absolutely nothing in common with.
Amy, that’s a good point. I suppose having been part of this book blog for three years now I’ve started to take for granted the simple pleasure of talking about books.
Would be fascinated to hear if anyone has experienced niche dating, although perhaps it’s too personal a topic for people to want to discuss here!
There used to be a question that used to drive me mad when I was younger – “what music do you like?” or “what music are you into?” It used to be the first thing anyone ever said to anyone when I was university. It annoyed me as I like lots of stuff that makes no sense and I’m a bit the same with books. The way people categorise themselves through the arts or use the arts to “say something about them” is a bit of a bugbear at Barnes central. So…
I did hear of a veggie dating site where people had names of various root vegetables though.
People are many things and books are just a part of life. I go out with a practically illiterate geek who probably hasn’t picked up a work of fiction since 1992. If then. Does this make us incompatible? Yes!
:) What’s a relationship without one partner (me) huffing and puffing about the lack of culture of the other partner?
Hmmmmm? You want to ruin all the fun.
Tee hee, Rosy! I’m still chortling about that
And I definitely think that if vegetarian dating sites had been around in my day I would have been a potato! If I had to be a book, then I’d probably opt for Middlemarch.
Loved this! (And the sushi-loving cat). I am very taken with the filter idea to play with, but terrified of the idea of linking up with someone who is so very niche. I’m also struck by the fact that three bookfoxes (so it seems, as here’s another one) have ended up partners of people who wouldn’t have ticked any of the boxes. How awful to have Howard-and-Hilda matching bookshelves!
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Hilary Ely, Amy L. Campbell. Amy L. Campbell said: Great questions about the dating site alikewise.com and other niche dating. from Vulpes Libris http://t.co/4WdeWVy [...]
“The way people categorise themselves through the arts or use the arts to “say something about them”
It’s funny you mention that because one thing I meant to bring up was the line:
“you can tell a lot about a person by looking at his or her books.”
Can you though? I’m not sure. Well, maybe if someone had a hundred books on butterflies and nothing else you could conclude that they, er, were really interested in butterflies. But what about fiction? In fact, didn’t we have a soapbox piece about this very thing some time last year? I’ll try to dig it out.
Vegetable names. I’d secretly want to be something cool like Okra, but I know I’d end up opting for something like Sprout or Parsnip.
Hilary, it is interesting that at least three of us are with partners so different from ourselves, at least when it comes to reading. Howard-and-Hilda matching bookshelves!
I love the Howard and Hilda matching bookshelves.
Perhaps we should see if we could get some married/together guests on to compare theirs and their beloveds shelves together. I’m not at all sure ours saying much definitive about us. An absolutely bizarre mix of things. Looking quickly I can see lots of esoteric books on “thaetre” from my misspent youth, vegan cookery, word music compendiums (hmm), computer books, bleak miserablist litfic (where does it all come from?), books on dog training, lots of random history tomes (most of which are unread I fear!), books on the planets, space ships, lots of art books, comedy scripts and plays and poetry.
Yup, that pretty much sums us up(heck?) How many have I read? A miniscule fraction.
I was looking forward to this article. Having some experience of internet dating I was curious about this niche market. But like you I’d have reservations. There’s a lot of other things in my life apart from books, although books are a large part of my life and a large part of the content of my handbag. But there’s other stuff too that is arguably more important. And also there’s lot of things that I’d never check out on my own, but will because a friend or date says “Let’s try this.” And if you both love the same books – then surely every conversation will be the same?
I had vowed never to try internet dating again. It can be the most boring, frustrating and by-numbers process. But like Lisa I’m thinking, veggie dating could be fun… I’d probably be bean or sweet potato. Not exactly sexy, is it?
Being a *very* booky person – as in my job is wholly about books, my hobbies involve books, I’m writing a book… I feel this may be the method for me. On the other hand I’m not necessarily interested in someone who likes exactly the same books I do. One immature person in a relationship is enough. I think a dating site for bibliophiles regardless of genre is probably enough. I cannot comprehend being interested in any man who doesn’t at least, read. Don’t care what he reads… as long as it’s in book form
Great thought provoking article Lisa. Love these pieces
Only dating someone with the same precise taste in books would probably be taking things a bit far…but I can’t imagine dating someone who doesn’t at least have an appreciation for reading, preferably fiction. It’s so tied up in my life, I feel like our world views would be too different!
Thanks for all of these comments.
Nikki, good luck with the veggie dating if you do decide to give it a whirl. Sweet potato sounds rather endearing.
Eve, if you ever do find yourself on alikewise.com, do tell us how you found it. I’m quite interested in the mechanics of how the site works.
Cherylmahoney, that’s nicely put. Are discussions about books something you’d expect from a partner, or is it more a case of simply needing to feel that a partner prizes books as highly as you do? Sorry, questions questions!
Hmm…I think it’s both. Talking about books IS a big thing for me
and I would foresee difficulties with a partner who wouldn’t be interested in discussing books, as well as not being able to understand why I would WANT to discuss books, read books, write stories… I think there’d be a lot of points where it would be difficult to relate.
~Cheryl